Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Adoption VS IVF

            Nearly ten years ago while Sam and I were in the midst of a cancer battle and facing the fact we would never naturally conceive. We were also told once my husband went through his round of radiation the chances of us even conceiving with help would be none at all. We told the doctor we were going to trust God and that we always wanted to adopt anyway and it seemed the Lord was making it a pretty easy choice for us….or the only choice at that time.
            I went through my mourning for that child I dreamed of having with my husband. I would wake up every morning and refuse to hang on to my dream. I would picture my self burying this dream and laying it to rest. I would cry, yes but I refused to wallow in self-pity. I walked away from that grave with my eyes up to the horizon. There I could see a promise from the Lord.  (read psalms 91)
            I refused to hang on to this dream for multiple reasons. First, the Lord was asking me to. He had something in store for me better than what I had planned for myself. So in obedience I put to death my plans. Second, I didn’t want to be a burden on my friends. I wish the Church would take this more serious. I know this is so sensitive. In fact I think it is so sensitive that pastors and Christian friends are afraid to face women in love and grace and show them there is another way to live! We are free in Christ and if you are “stuck” mourning my friend you are allowing your peace and freedom to be robbed. I have seen women because they feel justified in their pain steal the joy and peace of others! What a burden to be to others because they have what you do not. I hope this does not seem insensitive, like I said there is a time to mourn but then rejoice in the remembrance of your salvation and all He has promised

Adoption VS In Vitro fertilization

When I counsel women and they are already headed down the road of IVF I will not stop them and tell them to adopt. The same goes if they are already going down the road of adoption I will not try to talk them into choosing IVF. I simply walk with them down whatever road they have chosen and support them in anyway that I can.
When I counsel a woman who doesn’t know which road to travel I always lean towards adoption. Here is why
1.     God loves adoption, He tells us to care for the orphans. I have had people tell me “well the bible doesn’t say adopt orphans” to that I say let us care for them sacrificially and radically! Let us look at this scripture as a command and calling to sacrifice our own comfort to show them love that is not of this world.  Let us suffer for the least of these! Do not do the minimum of this scripture…(James 1:27,James 1:2,1Peter 4;13,)
2.     The addictions and abuse cycles have our system spinning. We have so many children in foster care and not enough good Christian families opening their doors. Turn on your news and listen!! It is not enough brothers and sisters to hear a sad story of abuse and cry and then walk away! If we do nothing with our convictions and nothing with our compassion what good are they? Will you only love what comes so naturally? Will you only extend love to your birth children? God calls us to be different. He calls us to lay down our lives. He calls us to suffer. (James 1:2,1Peter 4;13,)

I don’t lean toward adoption because I think IVF is wrong. I think we are free to choose adoption, IVF or both! Adoption makes us deny ourselves. Adoption makes us face the gospel everyday. It makes us say, “I choose to love you even though you don’t love me.” “I choose you even though you don’t choose me” It says “I choose you no matter what!”

So I’m sure you are probably wondering, “ok why in the world did you do IVF?”

I am so glad you ask!

More to come on that next!

Thanks for reading! Now go and adopt some babies J

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

abundant joy, abundant peace,

There are moments in life like the one I am about to share that just leave me longing for home. Not this house I call home but the Kingdom that I have been promised. Lord come soon.

My youngest son that we call "the prince" was diagnosed with autism when he turned 3. The thing I struggle with the most with autism is the loss of normalcy! I titled my blog "resisting normalcy" because everyday I feel the temptation of longing for normal life instead of God. I mean "normal" doesnt even exist right?? and yet it temps to steal my joy.....

We want good children, a perfect husband, preferably one that reads minds and sweeps you off your feet. We want the girls life on Facebook who looks good, her children read there bibles, her selfies are amazing, she has cute kids, a husband who must send her flowers everyday and  not to mention she has awesome Facebook statuses.....oh and a lot of "likes"

am I right??

My flesh paces and cries

The Spirit speaks "peace" and "be still."

I am desperately and madly in love with my son but I desperately long for the day in God's Kingdom when we will sit and talk about the wonders of God together. No stemming, no tantrums, no mis understandings or gluten free diets, no learning disability or lack of speech. Just together, in love with our Creator......... Oh my soul!

This July 4th we were invited to our friends house to celebrate!
We had such a good time visiting. My husband was able to join and it was his turn to be on "Prince Duty." AKA following him around everywhere.
It was a good evening but when the fireworks started we were not prepared for what would happen nor the emotion that it stirred our (my hubby and I) hearts. So much that we could not even speak of it after....because we knew no words would come...only tears.

A huge fire work shot up into the sky! Its was so beautiful and all of the children were in AWE!! They began to jump up and down and scream and clap! The prince jumped up and joined them!!! He wasn't  stemming, hand flapping, tantruming, throwing objects, spitting out food or water. He wasn't withdrawn and alone in his world. With every single boom ( and there were a lot) he is clapping and shouting.
Everyones eyes were to the sky but mine and my husband's were staring at the little boy that stood out to nobody then but to us shined brighter than any firework or child there!

And I just cried and cried.

for a moment he was with us and enjoying people around him and so very happy!

Some people say "i bet you wouldn't want him any other way"

Yes and No

No, because he has brought me so much joy. God chose me to mother him! I consider in an honor to be his momma! While my other children are growing tall and strong in heart and sweet prince stays young! Thats why you will see me carrying around my 45 pound prince...sleeping! You know that book "love you forever"?????? The one pic of the old lady holding her adult son???
He makes my life sweeter. He brings so much joy to my life and I am so thankful for him.

Yes, because I LONG to speak to him and for him to speak back! Sometimes I have dreams that we are just talking and OH HOW SWEET they are. I would love to hear whats on his mind, which super hero he loves the most, to hear him tease his sisters or hear all of his questions about life!

The greatest thing of all about all of this heart ache we have on earth is that it is temporary. Some day we will be healed and at peace fully.....and while we are on earth we can still have abundant JOY while we are waiting. I have seen in it throughout time and I see it still in my own and other's lives. In the midst of pain, trial and tribulation Christ redeems and JOY and PEACE are abundant and overflow.
I cried on the 4th of July because I'm so happy. To see your special one dancing and enjoying life...oh have mercy....there are no words.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Crazy momma in room 3

Not even a year ago my  youngest son was diagnosed with autism.

Today I took him (the prince) to the dentist.

If you would of walked by the room this is what you would of seen...

A very white, crazy mother standing over a big, cute, brown boy.... singing, dancing, waving mickey mouse above the light, juggling his sticker chart (to reward him for every 2-3 minutes of sitting), clapping, sweating, making a lot of facial expressions, putting play dough in his hands (for sensory), using the (LOUD) rain stick (for sensory) and trying to take some pictures to prove to the world what we accomplished!!!


Come to think of it.... this may of been why the staff kept poking their heads in!!
"what is happening in room 3???"

I kept thanking the staff over and over but i don't think they truly know how very thankful I am for such tolerance, accommodation and grace.

This is why I am taking them a "thank you" card with a box of chocolate covered strawberries!!! HA!!

I wish I could thank their (the staff's) mothers! Somebody taught them how to have compassion on those who need it. Someone taught them how to bend instead of being rigid against the wind! Someone spoke love and life into them! Not to mention the great leadership and direction of the dentist in charge :)

The world often does not understand my sweet prince.

Too often we are overwhelmed with judging glances, shocking stares, ignorant comments and places that do NOT cater to special needs.

Every day I have to have a plan for the simple tasks in life.

The prince cannot walk beside me while grocery shopping and my big boy is getting wayyyyyyy to big for the grocery cart. Before long his feet will be dragging the ground and he will be scooting away from me with my groceries!!

The prince cannot go to a restaurant with out humming loudly, head banging against the seat, throwing something across the room or making strange noises.

The PRINCE LOVES TO RUN. So if you ever see me in public and I seem distant or rushed it is most likely because I am trying to hold tight to the princes' hand while anticipating any sudden, strange or dangerous behaviors. He has ran into the road, ran out of buildings, ran into crowds and even into a closing elevator!!

OH my heart be still!!!!!!

Im probably giving you anxiety reading this :)


Last night he fell asleep beside me and I thanked  God for such a gift as my prince...

What have I done to deserve such a jewel????

I cannot explain in words the vast joy and fulfillment and love I experience in being his mother.

So when you see me in public...
even though I am sweating, singing, juggling, calming or even letting a bad behavior "go"

don't pity me, judge me, shun me, over compliment me or stare at me :)

Just let me be...

smile at me...

accept me..

and know that when you are feeling sorry or judging me that I am doing the same for you :)

If you only knew this kind of love.....
 I hope you do someday

To those of you like my sweet dentist and his amazing staff...i love you....thank you...

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A letter to myself....yesterday

Dear Yesterday Erica,
You feel like you are losing control...
You often look at your family and think "I have a circus for a family"
You often look at your circus and think "how was I chosen to mother these children?"
You often look at your children and think "how am I ever going to fix this pain?"

and all of these thoughts leave you feeling so powerless and inadequate 

The more you try to control and tighten up, the more they resist you.

You often gage how good of a mother you are by your children's behavior.

You cry on the bad days and pat yourself on the back on the good!

You wonder what normal families are like.

You feel hopeless in the sight of your child's endless parade of nervousness, anxiety, obsessions and opposition.

Well, from tomorrow let me give you hope because sure enough you will have another day like yesterday....

As I sat on a bench watching the children play at the playground it began to sprinkle. The other mothers quickly gathered their little ducklings and scurried away while I stood my ground against the rain and distant rumble of thunder. Nothing was going to stand in my way of some much needed energy release for the kids and bench sitting for momma. For some reason the Lord decided to break through to me there at the park.
I watched Wild Eyes swing back and forth
I watched the Prince sliding down the slide
Beanie was trying so hard to get on a swing
and Bruiser was perched on top of the play he got there I do not know...he is spiderman

and there the Lord reminded me

Stop mourning how different they are because of whats happened to them and accept them. 
Stop trying to be a "good" mother and be a redeemed mother
Stop patting yourself on the back on the good days and thank the One who gave it because its complete MERCY!
Quit wishing away their pain and pray to the Lord! He will move, He will restore, He will heal. 
Stop trying to have all the answers and fling yourself upon Jesus

Quit trying
Quit doing
Quit working

Be still

These children are His

I do not have to worry about them because He works things out for His own purpose and glory.
He loves them more than I love them and every day looks upon them with affection, hope and mercy. 

Why do I worry about children who are already SO LOVED and CARED for?

I am not their Savior.

I am but a vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow.


God did not give me these children to save and fix.

He gave them to me so that I can show them Jesus, the true Healer, Savior and Redeemer.

Isn't it such  freeing thought?

In the end when I stand before the Lord I will not stand with muscly arms flexing and showing my mommy strength. I will not show him all that I have done for these children. I will fall to my face in all weakness before all of His glory and only utter Jesus' name....

I pray that be my posture everyday 

So when you pick up Bruiser from school and it is revealed that he has spent most of his day in disobedience, do not go into your hopeless stupor, but show him your reliance upon the King. Together fall to knees and pray.


Saturday, May 10, 2014

a letter to my daughter's birthmother

To my daughter's birthmother,

Tomorrow I will look into some wild, brown eyes as she jumps on my bed screaming "happy mother's day!!" How do I know she will do this?? Because she is full of passion, excitement, anticipation and fun.....also because she told me her crazy plan when I tucked her into bed.

Tomorrow she will be so excited to make me coffee that she will probably dump half the bottle of creamer into the coffee along with spilling a bunch.

She will make me a lot of pictures that she will write "To mommy, I love you." On the pictures she will draw her and I going shopping, wearing matching dresses and shoes with matching purses.

She will get all dressed up for church because she is a princess.

She loves to wear some of my makeup "but not a lot momma I know" she will say.

On the way to church she will probably sing songs that are made up about the Lord to the tune of some sort of Christmas song.

She will probably get into some sort of trouble tomorrow :) She is so full of ideas and creativity! However sometimes those ideas involve some rule breaking....but its worth it to her:)

She will probably beat her dad and I at a game of checkers no joke!! She is always a step ahead!

She will probably smack me in the rear to be ornery and do a really crazy dance to make me smile!

Tomorrow I will smile a lot and be filled with a lot of love.
I will also be thinking of you.

I wanted to tell you thank you.

You chose life for her and now I will give her a life of love and grace.

She did not come from me but she is apart of me.
When I look into her eyes I see you.
When I see her love her special needs brother I see me.
When I see her smile I see you.
When I hear her talk about adopting a lot of kids someday I see me.

Even though she will not be in your arms tomorrow I will hold her for you. I will tickle her, cuddle her, drink her overly creamed coffee and smile!
I know that this will give you comfort because you are a mother. You want what I want for her.
You are never far from my thoughts, you are never forgotten.
This story began with you.
It is full of pain but it is full of redemption too.

Our lives came together because of our daughter and Im looking forward to when our paths meet again. I will have a lot of memories to tell you about and I am sure you will have some you would like to make.

Until then know

she is loved
she is happy
she is home

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Dear Beloved and Barren Woman

Somewhere out there behind a closed door a woman is on her knees pleading to the Lord.
Today she found out she wasn't pregnant again. Today she took a pregnancy test after two weeks of listening to every whisper of her body in great hopes that this time she would conceive.

Today some of you have joined in with the familiar and painful cry of women throughout time.

I joined that cry 6 years ago.

I remember withdrawing from groups of friends. Not because they were not good to me and not because I secretly resented their swelling bellies. I was ashamed. I felt like I was broke. I felt abnormal. I remember a lot of sad eyes, not just my own but from others. The more fragile people treated me the more I felt different or out of place. I loved my friends and church but I think they struggled with what to do with a woman struggling with infertility. What do you do with the pain of a barren women!? Is there any hope for her? Is there relief from her pain?

I remember a phone call from someone very close and dear to me who recently found out she was pregnant.
Throughout our conversation she cried to me. Confessing her pain for my barrenness. She cried "its not fair! You would be an amazing mother! You are so good and loving and nurturing! It is painful to go on happily with my pregnancy knowing that you are in pain."

It was the most amazing phone call ever.
She didn't try to hide her pregnancy
She didn't try to act like I wasn't in pain
She wasn't being unrealistic about my situation.

She was so real and honest!

It gave me an opportunity to share my heart!

I remember telling her how much the Lord was teaching me! I remember telling her that I was never promised anything good in this life! My eyes had been open to so much pain and suffering around me to people who were "good" (the only one good died on the cross)...and how it seemed unjust. But the reality was and is still.... I cling to the cross. Anything in this life can be taken from us.  Children die, spouses leave, disease and cancer spread, children are starving and being beaten, there are orphans and stillborns but one thing can never be taken from me and that is my salvation! Nothing can take His love from me! In the middle of any trial I am comforted that He will never leave me and that He can make all things beautiful!
I went on to tell her how much I admired the creation of life and to resent her or any pregnant woman would be sinful...for like Paul (Philippians 4:11) I am learning to be content in all things. I got to tell her how excited I was for her and urged her not to feel as though she were leaving me behind in a journey. I urged her to see me beside her always because my love for her and her baby inside was more than any love I had for myself.
She has four beautiful little ones now. With all of her pregnancies I have found myself beside her anxious for every opportunity to feel her growing life filled belly :)

I am not a china doll, I am not fragile. I am not barren.

I am redeemed and my life will always reflect that truth.

Dear childless and beloved woman,
Take heart! You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not abnormal.

I always say that I am chosen! When you taste suffering and call out to the Lord HE COMES! He is so close and loves you so much. Just as you could not resist  pulling a sobbing, hurt child into your bosom so He loves and holds you!

Rest there and surrender your hopes and dreams and seek what He may have for you dear friend

My story may look different then yours...

but I can tell you this

what He had planned for me was greater than anything (or child) that I could imagine for myself.

Be still

seek rest for your soul

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Green pumpkin Picker

I have been wanting to blog again mostly because I love adoption.

My previous blog, through the work of the Spirit has reached many people and has given me many opportunities to speak into lives, plant seeds and in many cases watch them grow!  I am blessed because of this! I am very excited to continue blogging in great hope that this blog will reach others. I will spend the rest of my life proclaiming the riches of adoption! I will go through this life sharing, praying, seeking, hoping, loving and adopting. All for the Glory of God who through His son Jesus Christ died so that I could receive new life! 

Through faith five years ago we began our adoption journey. 
We adopted Wild eyes first (a little girl)
Then The Prince came along (a little baby boy)
A year and half later we were blessed again! This time we were blessed with a sibling group
Bruiser (a boy) and Beanie (our youngest girl)

For privacy reasons I will refer to them by some very fitting nicknames :)

I hope you will...
enjoy hearing my heart
laugh at my stories
relate to me
be challenged
cry with me
hope with me
be changed
be encouraged

RESIST Normalcy

Once when I was a little girl my mother took me to a pumpkin patch. Of all the pumpkins I chose a ugly green one. Why? Because who would want a green pumpkin?  I just kept thinking about how nobody could ever possibly want a green pumpkin! I didn't want it to be alone :)

Be green pumpkin pickers!!

Yay for a new season of blogging!!!

normality |nôrˈmalitē(also normalcy |ˈnôrməlsē)nounthe condition of being normal; the state of being usual, typical, or expected: