Somewhere out there behind a closed door a woman is on her knees pleading to the Lord.
Today she found out she wasn't pregnant again. Today she took a pregnancy test after two weeks of listening to every whisper of her body in great hopes that this time she would conceive.
Today some of you have joined in with the familiar and painful cry of women throughout time.
I joined that cry 6 years ago.
I remember withdrawing from groups of friends. Not because they were not good to me and not because I secretly resented their swelling bellies. I was ashamed. I felt like I was broke. I felt abnormal. I remember a lot of sad eyes, not just my own but from others. The more fragile people treated me the more I felt different or out of place. I loved my friends and church but I think they struggled with what to do with a woman struggling with infertility. What do you do with the pain of a barren women!? Is there any hope for her? Is there relief from her pain?
I remember a phone call from someone very close and dear to me who recently found out she was pregnant.
Throughout our conversation she cried to me. Confessing her pain for my barrenness. She cried "its not fair! You would be an amazing mother! You are so good and loving and nurturing! It is painful to go on happily with my pregnancy knowing that you are in pain."
It was the most amazing phone call ever.
She didn't try to hide her pregnancy
She didn't try to act like I wasn't in pain
She wasn't being unrealistic about my situation.
She was so real and honest!
It gave me an opportunity to share my heart!
I remember telling her how much the Lord was teaching me! I remember telling her that I was never promised anything good in this life! My eyes had been open to so much pain and suffering around me to people who were "good" (the only one good died on the cross)...and how it seemed unjust. But the reality was and is still.... I cling to the cross. Anything in this life can be taken from us. Children die, spouses leave, disease and cancer spread, children are starving and being beaten, there are orphans and stillborns but one thing can never be taken from me and that is my salvation! Nothing can take His love from me! In the middle of any trial I am comforted that He will never leave me and that He can make all things beautiful!
I went on to tell her how much I admired the creation of life and to resent her or any pregnant woman would be sinful...for like Paul (Philippians 4:11) I am learning to be content in all things. I got to tell her how excited I was for her and urged her not to feel as though she were leaving me behind in a journey. I urged her to see me beside her always because my love for her and her baby inside was more than any love I had for myself.
She has four beautiful little ones now. With all of her pregnancies I have found myself beside her anxious for every opportunity to feel her growing life filled belly :)
I am not a china doll, I am not fragile. I am not barren.
I am redeemed and my life will always reflect that truth.
Dear childless and beloved woman,
Take heart! You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not abnormal.
I always say that I am chosen! When you taste suffering and call out to the Lord HE COMES! He is so close and loves you so much. Just as you could not resist pulling a sobbing, hurt child into your bosom so He loves and holds you!
Rest there and surrender your hopes and dreams and seek what He may have for you dear friend
My story may look different then yours...
but I can tell you this
what He had planned for me was greater than anything (or child) that I could imagine for myself.
seek rest for your soul