Thursday, May 22, 2014

Crazy momma in room 3

Not even a year ago my  youngest son was diagnosed with autism.

Today I took him (the prince) to the dentist.

If you would of walked by the room this is what you would of seen...

A very white, crazy mother standing over a big, cute, brown boy.... singing, dancing, waving mickey mouse above the light, juggling his sticker chart (to reward him for every 2-3 minutes of sitting), clapping, sweating, making a lot of facial expressions, putting play dough in his hands (for sensory), using the (LOUD) rain stick (for sensory) and trying to take some pictures to prove to the world what we accomplished!!!


Come to think of it.... this may of been why the staff kept poking their heads in!!
"what is happening in room 3???"

I kept thanking the staff over and over but i don't think they truly know how very thankful I am for such tolerance, accommodation and grace.

This is why I am taking them a "thank you" card with a box of chocolate covered strawberries!!! HA!!

I wish I could thank their (the staff's) mothers! Somebody taught them how to have compassion on those who need it. Someone taught them how to bend instead of being rigid against the wind! Someone spoke love and life into them! Not to mention the great leadership and direction of the dentist in charge :)

The world often does not understand my sweet prince.

Too often we are overwhelmed with judging glances, shocking stares, ignorant comments and places that do NOT cater to special needs.

Every day I have to have a plan for the simple tasks in life.

The prince cannot walk beside me while grocery shopping and my big boy is getting wayyyyyyy to big for the grocery cart. Before long his feet will be dragging the ground and he will be scooting away from me with my groceries!!

The prince cannot go to a restaurant with out humming loudly, head banging against the seat, throwing something across the room or making strange noises.

The PRINCE LOVES TO RUN. So if you ever see me in public and I seem distant or rushed it is most likely because I am trying to hold tight to the princes' hand while anticipating any sudden, strange or dangerous behaviors. He has ran into the road, ran out of buildings, ran into crowds and even into a closing elevator!!

OH my heart be still!!!!!!

Im probably giving you anxiety reading this :)


Last night he fell asleep beside me and I thanked  God for such a gift as my prince...

What have I done to deserve such a jewel????

I cannot explain in words the vast joy and fulfillment and love I experience in being his mother.

So when you see me in public...
even though I am sweating, singing, juggling, calming or even letting a bad behavior "go"

don't pity me, judge me, shun me, over compliment me or stare at me :)

Just let me be...

smile at me...

accept me..

and know that when you are feeling sorry or judging me that I am doing the same for you :)

If you only knew this kind of love.....
 I hope you do someday

To those of you like my sweet dentist and his amazing staff...i love you....thank you...

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A letter to myself....yesterday

Dear Yesterday Erica,
You feel like you are losing control...
You often look at your family and think "I have a circus for a family"
You often look at your circus and think "how was I chosen to mother these children?"
You often look at your children and think "how am I ever going to fix this pain?"

and all of these thoughts leave you feeling so powerless and inadequate 

The more you try to control and tighten up, the more they resist you.

You often gage how good of a mother you are by your children's behavior.

You cry on the bad days and pat yourself on the back on the good!

You wonder what normal families are like.

You feel hopeless in the sight of your child's endless parade of nervousness, anxiety, obsessions and opposition.

Well, from tomorrow let me give you hope because sure enough you will have another day like yesterday....

As I sat on a bench watching the children play at the playground it began to sprinkle. The other mothers quickly gathered their little ducklings and scurried away while I stood my ground against the rain and distant rumble of thunder. Nothing was going to stand in my way of some much needed energy release for the kids and bench sitting for momma. For some reason the Lord decided to break through to me there at the park.
I watched Wild Eyes swing back and forth
I watched the Prince sliding down the slide
Beanie was trying so hard to get on a swing
and Bruiser was perched on top of the play he got there I do not know...he is spiderman

and there the Lord reminded me

Stop mourning how different they are because of whats happened to them and accept them. 
Stop trying to be a "good" mother and be a redeemed mother
Stop patting yourself on the back on the good days and thank the One who gave it because its complete MERCY!
Quit wishing away their pain and pray to the Lord! He will move, He will restore, He will heal. 
Stop trying to have all the answers and fling yourself upon Jesus

Quit trying
Quit doing
Quit working

Be still

These children are His

I do not have to worry about them because He works things out for His own purpose and glory.
He loves them more than I love them and every day looks upon them with affection, hope and mercy. 

Why do I worry about children who are already SO LOVED and CARED for?

I am not their Savior.

I am but a vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow.


God did not give me these children to save and fix.

He gave them to me so that I can show them Jesus, the true Healer, Savior and Redeemer.

Isn't it such  freeing thought?

In the end when I stand before the Lord I will not stand with muscly arms flexing and showing my mommy strength. I will not show him all that I have done for these children. I will fall to my face in all weakness before all of His glory and only utter Jesus' name....

I pray that be my posture everyday 

So when you pick up Bruiser from school and it is revealed that he has spent most of his day in disobedience, do not go into your hopeless stupor, but show him your reliance upon the King. Together fall to knees and pray.


Saturday, May 10, 2014

a letter to my daughter's birthmother

To my daughter's birthmother,

Tomorrow I will look into some wild, brown eyes as she jumps on my bed screaming "happy mother's day!!" How do I know she will do this?? Because she is full of passion, excitement, anticipation and fun.....also because she told me her crazy plan when I tucked her into bed.

Tomorrow she will be so excited to make me coffee that she will probably dump half the bottle of creamer into the coffee along with spilling a bunch.

She will make me a lot of pictures that she will write "To mommy, I love you." On the pictures she will draw her and I going shopping, wearing matching dresses and shoes with matching purses.

She will get all dressed up for church because she is a princess.

She loves to wear some of my makeup "but not a lot momma I know" she will say.

On the way to church she will probably sing songs that are made up about the Lord to the tune of some sort of Christmas song.

She will probably get into some sort of trouble tomorrow :) She is so full of ideas and creativity! However sometimes those ideas involve some rule breaking....but its worth it to her:)

She will probably beat her dad and I at a game of checkers no joke!! She is always a step ahead!

She will probably smack me in the rear to be ornery and do a really crazy dance to make me smile!

Tomorrow I will smile a lot and be filled with a lot of love.
I will also be thinking of you.

I wanted to tell you thank you.

You chose life for her and now I will give her a life of love and grace.

She did not come from me but she is apart of me.
When I look into her eyes I see you.
When I see her love her special needs brother I see me.
When I see her smile I see you.
When I hear her talk about adopting a lot of kids someday I see me.

Even though she will not be in your arms tomorrow I will hold her for you. I will tickle her, cuddle her, drink her overly creamed coffee and smile!
I know that this will give you comfort because you are a mother. You want what I want for her.
You are never far from my thoughts, you are never forgotten.
This story began with you.
It is full of pain but it is full of redemption too.

Our lives came together because of our daughter and Im looking forward to when our paths meet again. I will have a lot of memories to tell you about and I am sure you will have some you would like to make.

Until then know

she is loved
she is happy
she is home