Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A letter to myself....yesterday

Dear Yesterday Erica,
You feel like you are losing control...
You often look at your family and think "I have a circus for a family"
You often look at your circus and think "how was I chosen to mother these children?"
You often look at your children and think "how am I ever going to fix this pain?"

and all of these thoughts leave you feeling so powerless and inadequate 

The more you try to control and tighten up, the more they resist you.

You often gage how good of a mother you are by your children's behavior.

You cry on the bad days and pat yourself on the back on the good!

You wonder what normal families are like.

You feel hopeless in the sight of your child's endless parade of nervousness, anxiety, obsessions and opposition.

Well, from tomorrow let me give you hope because sure enough you will have another day like yesterday....

As I sat on a bench watching the children play at the playground it began to sprinkle. The other mothers quickly gathered their little ducklings and scurried away while I stood my ground against the rain and distant rumble of thunder. Nothing was going to stand in my way of some much needed energy release for the kids and bench sitting for momma. For some reason the Lord decided to break through to me there at the park.
I watched Wild Eyes swing back and forth
I watched the Prince sliding down the slide
Beanie was trying so hard to get on a swing
and Bruiser was perched on top of the play he got there I do not know...he is spiderman

and there the Lord reminded me

Stop mourning how different they are because of whats happened to them and accept them. 
Stop trying to be a "good" mother and be a redeemed mother
Stop patting yourself on the back on the good days and thank the One who gave it because its complete MERCY!
Quit wishing away their pain and pray to the Lord! He will move, He will restore, He will heal. 
Stop trying to have all the answers and fling yourself upon Jesus

Quit trying
Quit doing
Quit working

Be still

These children are His

I do not have to worry about them because He works things out for His own purpose and glory.
He loves them more than I love them and every day looks upon them with affection, hope and mercy. 

Why do I worry about children who are already SO LOVED and CARED for?

I am not their Savior.

I am but a vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow.


God did not give me these children to save and fix.

He gave them to me so that I can show them Jesus, the true Healer, Savior and Redeemer.

Isn't it such  freeing thought?

In the end when I stand before the Lord I will not stand with muscly arms flexing and showing my mommy strength. I will not show him all that I have done for these children. I will fall to my face in all weakness before all of His glory and only utter Jesus' name....

I pray that be my posture everyday 

So when you pick up Bruiser from school and it is revealed that he has spent most of his day in disobedience, do not go into your hopeless stupor, but show him your reliance upon the King. Together fall to knees and pray.


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